Monkey Come Home

  For Che and Solomon

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Bagpipes

  Blood

  Beast

  Bananas

  Beeps

  Body Odour

  Bathmilk

  Beachcomber

  Brainiac

  Bumps

  Bits

  Beach

  Bother

  Baffled

  Big Top

  Boxing

  About the author/illustrator

  Copyright

  Bagpipes

  Elsie Birkett lives next door to us at One Pebble Bay. She welcomed us here five years ago with a plate of jam fancies and a crocheted toilet-roll cover. Some people think she’s nothing more than a stickybeak who loves a bit of juicy gossip. But certain events have led me to believe that she is an undercover agent.

  Late one Thursday night my dad was taking out the garbage in his undies, when he caught Elsie spying on him from her front porch.

  ‘Enjoying the view?’ he called out.

  ‘Oh dear, Mr Bloom,’ she said, hiding her binoculars. ‘I was making myself a cup of tea when I noticed a most unusual light streaking through the night sky. It was terribly bright and was moving so fast that it disappeared before I had a chance to identify it.’

  ‘It’s called an aeroplane, Elsie. We get those sometimes.’

  ‘Well I’ve never seen one heading straight down before. Anyway, I’d better let you go. You’ll catch a chill standing out here like that.’

  The next day I was walking through our front gate when Elsie popped out from behind a row of hydrangeas.

  ‘Yoo-hoo! Avery Bloom. Home already and it’s only half past three. Did school finish early today?’

  ‘Nope. I just walked fast and I’ve got a lot of homework to do.’ The second part wasn’t true but I could tell that Elsie was about to rope me into something.

  ‘Perhaps you could do me a wee favour first,’ she said. ‘Bagpipes is in your backyard and it sounds like he’s having a scrap with a possum. I do wish you wouldn’t feed those nuisance creatures. It only encourages them and you know how territorial Bagpipes is.’

  Bagpipes is Elsie’s tomcat and his territory encompasses every property on Bell Street and all the surrounding bush. He’s always chasing native animals and getting stuck in pipes or on roofs. The fire brigade has been called so many times that they refuse to answer Elsie’s distress calls anymore, unless there’s an actual fire involved.

  I went to our backyard and saw Bagpipes slowly circling our gum tree. He was making the low growling drone that he’s famous for.

  ‘SCRAM!’ I tried to shoo him away, but he held his ground and hissed at me. His head was low and his tail pointed up like an exclamation mark. His fur was almost crackling with electricity. The only way to get rid of him, without being scratched to death, was with water. So I turned on the hose and gave him a quick spray.

  It worked a treat. He carved two mad circles around our backyard like a greyhound with its bum on fire and shot over the side fence without even touching it. I hate cruelty to animals, which is why I had to squirt Bagpipes. He is a skilled hunter and would have made mincemeat out of the possum.

  I climbed the tree and spotted the frightened creature on a branch near the top. It had a long tail and was making a nervous chattering sound. Somehow it didn’t quite look like a possum. I pulled myself up onto the next branch for a closer inspection and realised that it wasn’t a possum after all. It was a monkey! I couldn’t believe my luck.

  I made a clicking sound with my tongue and rubbed my fingers and thumb together as if I had food to offer. The monkey came swinging down through the branches and hung by its tail, just a few metres away from me.

  ‘Hello little fella,’ I said. But instead of a friendly response, he bared his teeth and screeched at me, with his eyeballs almost popping clean out of their sockets. It scared me but I didn’t want to show my fear. So I curled my lips back, went cross-eyed and screeched back twice as loudly. The monkey was momentarily stunned. He looked from side to side, scratched his head and made a strange purring sound.

  ‘We can be friends,’ I said. ‘As long as you know that I’m the boss.’ I stretched out my hand to shake on the deal. ‘My name’s Avery,’ I said.

  Blood

  Blood was still flowing from my finger when my sister Serenity arrived home.

  ‘Oh my gosh! What happened?’ She said, dropping her school bag.

  ‘A monkey bit me.’

  ‘Very funny. Give me a look.’ She unwrapped the soggy red tea towel from my hand and led me over to the kitchen sink.

  ‘I hope he had clean teeth.’

  She held my finger under running water, dried it and then, relishing the chance to play nurse, began dabbing it with antiseptic. It made me wince, so she said, ‘The pain is your body’s way of letting you know that something good is happening.’

  ‘Great. I feel so much better now.’

  Serenity finished the job with a seriously tight bandaid. ‘There’s a small chunk of your finger missing, so you’ll definitely need stitches. At least eight or nine, I reckon.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘But I’m going to call Doctor Hardie for a second opinion before I get my sewing box out.’

  ‘No, don’t!’ I pleaded and blocked Serenity from the phone.

  ‘Avery, I’m the boss till Mum and Dad get home and I think we have a medical crisis on our hands. I have to let them know.’

  ‘But they won’t let me keep the monkey.’

  ‘If you persist with that ludicrous story, then you’ll definitely have to see the doctor. Unless you want your finger to get infected and run the risk of amputation.’

  ‘But it’s true,’ I said. ‘The monkey is in my room right now.’

  ‘Yeah sure and there’s an alligator in the toilet.’

  ‘Come and see,’ I said and led my sister upstairs.

  ‘I’m only coming to shut you up. You’ve told some crackers, Avery, but this one really takes…’

  ‘Shhh! We have to approach quietly. He doesn’t like surprises and he feels guilty for biting me. He looked really sad when I yelled at him.’

  I opened the door slowly, only to find that my bedroom had been totally trashed.

  ‘Hmm.’ Serenity stuck her head in. ‘No monkey. Well that was an elaborate but typically juvenile hoax, Avery.’

  ‘It’s not a joke. I swear.’

  ‘I don’t believe you for a nanosecond.’

  ‘But he was here. Cross my heart.’

  ‘Well, show me the monkey!’

  ‘He must have jumped out the window,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, of course he did. How convenient.’

  Serenity walked over to the window. But just as she stretched her neck to look out, the monkey leapt from the top of my cupboard, commando style, and landed on the back of her head.

  ‘Uuugh…Help me!’ she whimpered.

  ‘Stay calm and don’t move. He can sense fear.’

  ‘Not moving,’ Serenity said. But she was visibly shaking.

  ‘Now do you believe me?’ I asked.

  The monkey began separating strands of Serenity’s hair and inspecting her scalp.

  ‘Get this monkey off my head, Avery!’

  ‘Say sorry first.’

  ‘AAARGH! GET THIS THING OFF ME NOW!’ she screamed. The startled monkey began screeching and pulling furiously on Serenity’s hair. It paddled her skull with its lips peeled back as if it was about to take a bite out of her ear.

  ‘Bad Monkey!’ I shouted. ‘BAD BAD Monkey!’ He stopped attacking her, but held tightly onto her neck. Serenity burst into tears and began sobbing. The monkey turned to look at me. I shook my head and wagge
d my finger at him.

  ‘Somebody needs a lesson in how to behave around girls.’

  He made the strange purring sound again and started kissing my sister’s head.

  ‘I think he must like you,’ I said.

  Serenity was not convinced.

  Beast

  ‘You are so seriously busted when Mum and Dad get home,’ Serenity said as she backed out of my room without taking her eyes off the monkey.

  ‘You’re not going to tell them, are you?’

  ‘Do you honestly think I would want that hideous thing living in our house, Avery?’

  The monkey lowered his head and made a sad sound.

  ‘Now you’ve hurt his feelings,’ I said. ‘He only wanted to groom you.’

  ‘Oh right. Like I’m infested with nits or something?’

  ‘No. It’s just a friendly communal thing that monkeys do.’

  ‘Friendly?’ Serenity practically spat. ‘He ripped out half my hair and almost bit your finger off. Get things in perspective, Avery. He’s not a person. He’s a nasty, unpredictable little beast and he doesn’t belong in our house.’ She charged out of my room.

  ‘Where are you going?’ I yelled out after her.

  ‘To call the RSPCA or someone who cares.’ Serenity meant business, so I didn’t try to stop her.

  The monkey scratched himself and looked confused.

  ‘She’s not that bad for an older sister, really, but she has this thing about people touching her hair. You didn’t mean to hurt her did you?’ I asked, without expecting an answer. But the monkey shook his head slightly. ‘Are you sorry for pulling her hair?’ The monkey definitely nodded. It seemed like he could understand everything I was saying. ‘What should we do?’ I asked.

  He shrugged his shoulders, jumped across my bed and leapt through the open window. I stuck my head out to watch him scamper across the lawn and climb the fence into Elsie Birkett’s backyard.

  ‘Good luck, little guy,’ I said, hoping that Bagpipes wasn’t around.

  I went downstairs to find Serenity holding the telephone receiver in one hand and feeling around her head for non-existent bald patches with the other. ‘Hello? Yes Hello. Could I please speak to…Helllooooo? HELLO! Stupid answering machine!’ She banged the receiver down.

  ‘Don’t bother. He’s gone now, anyway,’ I said.

  ‘Whatever. You’re still busted.’

  ‘Big whoop,’ I said, trying to act tough. But my chin started trembling, which didn’t help.

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re getting all sookydoo now?’

  ‘As if,’ I said. But the invisible hooks of sadness were tugging at the corners of my mouth. An image of my old toy monkey had popped uninvited into my head.

  ‘Avery, what’s the matter?’ Serenity’s genuine concern, and the realisation that my finger was now throbbing, almost broke the floodgates. But I held myself together.

  I reminded my sister of Earl. He was given to me on my fourth birthday. I used to carry him everywhere on my shoulders and pretend that he was real. He even came to school with me and had his own little seat at my desk. Two years later, we moved from the city to One Pebble Bay.

  The removalists lost him on the way. I was devastated because Mum and Dad wouldn’t take me to search for him on the highway. I think they were secretly glad because Earl had become a bit shabby and they thought that we should’ve grown apart by then.

  The only thing that cheered me up was when Dad told me that Earl had hitched a ride and gone to explore the world. He promised me that one day Earl would return to find me.

  Serenity stretched her arm around my shoulders. ‘Nice story little brother. But Earl was stuffed, and the nasty biting one is real. And you know that a real monkey couldn’t possibly have lived here. Believe me, it’s better this way. He’ll find his way back to his real home.’

  ‘Where do you think that is? I asked, peeling her arm off me.

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe he escaped from the circus or somebody’s private zoo. Maybe even Africa.’

  ‘Der. That type of monkey doesn’t even come from Africa.’ Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of scratching at the window. It was the monkey with a cauliflower under his arm! He pushed the vegetable through the window and followed after it, then he rolled it across the floor and lifted it into Serenity’s lap.

  ‘It’s a peace offering,’ I said. The monkey broke off a chunk of cauliflower and lifted it to my sister’s mouth. ‘See! He’s offering you a piece.’

  ‘He stole that from Mrs. Birkett’s vegetable patch,’ she said.

  Bananas

  My parents have a dental surgery called Open Wide! They are both dentists and hate us munching on lollies all day, so there is always a big bowl of fruit in the kitchen. Mum had called to say they would be home in ten minutes, which gave me just enough time to sort a few things out.

  I packed all of the fruit that we had into a box and filled a bowl with water. Then I put them in my room with the monkey. He must have eaten something from Elsie’s garden though, because he didn’t even touch the fruit. He showed more interest in my computer’s screensaver and tried to trace the paths of the zooming stars with his finger. I hoped the simple game would keep him entertained for a while, but left the window open in case he needed to get out.

  Serenity had never been given flowers before, let alone a cauliflower. It must have softened her up a bit. She promised not to tell Mum and Dad about the monkey until I found out more about him. We sealed the deal by spitting on our hands and shaking them, just before the front door opened.

  ‘Sometimes, Barry, you really are the giddy limit,’ Mum said to Dad as she followed him in. ‘One more minute in Shed Shack and you would have been scraping me off the ceiling. Hi kids! How was your day?’

  ‘Same old,’ I answered.

  ‘Ditto,’ said Serenity.

  ‘Wonderful to have such expressive offspring,’ Dad said as he ferreted about in the kitchen.

  ‘April, there’s nothing to eat.’

  ‘Well if you hadn’t spent so long looking at tools you’ll never need for projects you’ll never finish, we could have bought groceries. Now you’ll have to go shopping tomorrow.’

  Dad pulled his head out of the fridge. ‘I’m starving now.’

  ‘Eat some fruit.’

  ‘There’s none left,’ he said, inverting the bowl as if a bunch of cherries would magically drop out. ‘Who ate all the fruit?’

  ‘Avery.’ Serenity didn’t miss a beat. ‘Two apples, four bananas, a mango, a pawpaw and a peach.’

  ‘Impressive,’ Dad said. ‘We’ll build him up into a front rower in no time. What are we doing for dinner, April?’

  ‘Friday’s your night to cook,’ Mum said.

  ‘Well there’s nothing but a cauliflower in the fridge, so it looks like we’re eating out.’

  ‘Yay!’ Serenity cheered. ‘Can we go to Keeper’s Cottage?’

  Keeper’s is my favourite restaurant. It is decorated with all kinds of excellent stuff that’s been collected over the years by an old beachcomber called Sam Hurley. The fish doesn’t taste too fishy and is caught locally, and they make the chips big and chunky. I was worried about leaving the monkey alone, though.

  ‘I’m not coming,’ I announced. ‘All that fruit has spoilt my appetite.’

  ‘It’s family time and you’re coming whether you eat or not,’ Mum said. ‘So wash your hands. Quick sticks!’

  Pretending not to be hungry when everyone else was eating was a real challenge. Serenity made a drama of savouring every mouthful and licking her lips excessively. ‘This chowder is just divine,’ she said in a posh accent, slurping the soup and rolling her eyes.

  ‘Are you sure you won’t try some, Avery?’

  ‘Positive,’ I said, and fidgeted with my bandaid.

  ‘What happened to your finger?’ Mum asked.

  ‘Paper cut,’ Serenity jumped in.

  ‘Looks serious.’ Dad winked at the girls. ‘M
ight even need a tetanus shot from Doctor Hardie.’

  Everyone laughed, except me.

  Beeps

  ‘Barry, I think there’s somebody in the house,’ Mum said as she turned the car into our driveway.

  ‘Look! Up in Avery’s room.’ My window was glowing and flickering with changing colours.

  ‘Chill out,’ Serenity said. ‘Geek Boy obviously left his computer on again.’

  When we walked into the house Mum turned the lights on very quickly. ‘Something’s not right,’ she said. ‘I’m sure I can feel some other kind of presence here.’

  ‘I can feel something, too,’ Dad said, putting his arms around Mum’s waist and trying to smooch her. He always got frisky after going out for dinner. I grabbed the chance to leave while Mum was being distracted.

  ‘Goodnight everyone.’ I faked a yawn and began climbing the stairs.

  ‘Barry, make yourself useful and go with Avery to check there’s nobody up there.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll go up with him,’ Serenity said, and followed me. I was eager to see what the monkey had been doing and half expected to find my room wallpapered with fruit skins or that he had disappeared again. We jostled down the hallway, both wanting to be first to the door. Nothing could have prepared us for the shock we got when I opened it.

  The monkey was sitting on my chair, playing my all-time favourite computer game, Outer Extremity! He was so engrossed in guiding the spaceship down safely that he didn’t react to our entrance. My room had been tidied and there was a single banana peel in the bin. Serenity was about to blurt something out but I trapped it by putting my hand over her mouth.

  The monkey was completing level twenty-seven, the final stage of the game. His fingers danced over the keyboard as he activated the landing sequence. The massive spaceship on the screen made a loud ‘Psshh!’ followed by a ‘Thunck!’ as it touched down on the landing pad. An electro-fanfare blared through the speakers and a crowd of digital people appeared on the screen. Cameramen filmed the five crew members emerging from their ship, the PX7, as fireworks exploded in a zillion different colours above them.